she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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