I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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