I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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