I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize