...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
