porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
