just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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