I think my fart just growled at me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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