Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
