when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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