I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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