we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
