Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
