I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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