I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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