i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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