I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize