I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize