My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
