Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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