rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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