3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
