Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
