the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
