i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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