Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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