Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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