She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
