Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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