he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
