I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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