You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
