I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
