I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
