Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
