My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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