How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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