How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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