I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
