woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
