I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
