I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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