i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
