I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Randomize
