So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize