I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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