Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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