Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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