lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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