FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
