WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
