you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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