At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
