there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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