So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
