This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
