weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
